(november 28 journal entry)

Fimally! Nasa bahay na ulit ako. it really feels nice to wake up dito. soobrang sarap sa pakiramdam. grabe at talagang nag matakaw ako kagabi after depriving myself of real non-instant food for two weeks. sarap talaga. ngunit din, kasabay ng mgandang gising naramdaman ko din na hindi na ako dapat nandito? Parang luxury na lang talaga ang bhay at nararamdaman ko na im meant to be anywhere but here. puso-wise kasi restful talagasaka masarap at refreshing. pero at the back of my mind and somewhere within me tells na dapat na ako umalis dito. it is too comfortable na dito at parang dapat na gumawa ng iba.
sarap talagha ng mabuhay sa probinsya. ewan ko ba kung bakit dami dami naman na space dito dun sila sa malls nag sisiksikan. tapos yung mga taga probinsya pa nagaaspire pa to go sa city to find and build a life there pero hindi ba nila narerealize na mas malaki yung chances nila to build a way better life and find success sa probinsya? basta depende lang rin sa diskarte. ang sarap sarap mabuhay sa probinsya kasi madaming green, walang usok, may stars, wala masyado magnanakaw, mas kokonti ang mga pulubi, mas nice ang mga tao (oo suplada number one ako kapag nandun), malawak ang mga lupain, simple lang ang buhay at madami pang iba. ewan ko ba sa mga tao na ang mind set ay kelangan makapunta sa syudad para yumaman. isa lang ang masasabi ko diyan. sobrang twisted ang thinking nila. kasi the fact na nasa province ka already makes you mayaman.
sobrang mahirap ang mga tao sa syudad. they are deprived of fresh air, deprived of a social atmosphere na walang cloud of suspicion, deprived of time, space, the ability to consider other people lalo na kapag nasa train ka. sorry na kung sorry pero kinakailnagan mo din na talgang makipagtulakan at siksikan kung gusto mo pang makarating sa destination mo. people in the city are deprived of nature. sobrang modified at may touch na of human intervention ang lahat ng sulok na malilingunan mo. though it is good na may mga efforts to encorporate green architechture sa mga buildings tulad ng sa sky garden sa sm north at ng misty/ foggy garden ng trinoma, natataawa lang ako sa mga ito. yes. they are aesthetically pleasing, but still wala nang gaganda pa sa natural na architechture at engineering structures na ginawa ng Panginoon.
i'm not saying naman na lahat ng tao sa cyudad ay twisted ang thinking or else patay talaga ako. i know some have to work there talaga to earn a living (i might even eat my words nga kasi who knows baka dun ako mapadpad sa trbaho). naawa lang ako sa mga taong walang choice but to stay or sa mga tao that chooses to have no choice but to stay.
so far, for me naman, yan lamang ang mga reflections ko sa pagtatagal ko doon ng ilang araw. mahaba pa ang tatahaking ko. mas madalas na akong maligo ngayon kesa nung nasa LB ako kasi naman lagkit talaga agad. hanga nga ako sa mga taong grasa. kudos to them for not taking a bath for so long. ako naman? nageenjoy ako, everytime i go out sa unit is a learning experience.  (oo na over analytical pero past time lang naman) mula sa pulubi na palaging nadadaanan sa street na naging numb na ako, hanggang sa dagat ng tao na hindi talaga nauubos, sa mga pasaway at mga walang disiplinang mga tao na  kapag pinagalitan ni manong starline guard ay nakaismid pa, sa mga naliligaw na driver kasi dapat ata nasa race track sila at wala sa kalsada, sa mga usok ng sasakyan na bagong norm of fresh air, sa mall culture at sa madami pang iba.
madaming natututunan sa cyudad. it is a good place din siguro to build and strengthen ones character pero careful lang at dapat tama lang. as for me masaya da manila pero mas masarap pa rin sa probinsya sa LB lalo na! :D

Disclaimer: the following reasons are just my opinions.. and by the way i am este was the princess

1. doing the laundry is the worst-est worst-est punishment one could ever give. the princess became a pauper kasi her hands are already battered with laundry scars. huhu. no more laundry woman but herself. no more washing machine but her hands.
2. good morning usok! the princess is now a pauper because usok greets her in the morning every time she goes out of the house. no more chirping birds and lovely green trees to see, and no more fresh air to breathe
3. allergies are flogging the skin! the yuckiest of all things. the former princess thinks that she is somehow allergic to manila dust (note: thinks and maybe at some point this is just part of the physiological adjustment that i am going through). her skin is contantly irritated by alot of what nots
4. she sleeps on the floor now. the princess misses her bed sooooo much. not that she sleeps on the floor directly, there is foam naman. but its manipis (financial constraints) and its not that malambot.
5. she only has two pillows. :C she usually sleeps with six, but since its too much of a hassle to bring everything to her new place, tiis na lang.
6. she eats too many.. again too many instant foods. before it was a no no to eat instant and artificial food more than twice a week.. it has become a staple now.
7. no one wakes her up in the morning anymore... no one prepares breakfast for her in the morning... no one prepares dinner for her at night.. no one hugs her good night anymore
8. no more background music in the evening while she sleeps (not that its really neccessary.. but still)
9. she gets sandwiched palagi sa MRT and LRT.
10. she gets to smell weird and better-not-know-what-smells everyday.

     as far as everything is concerned, my physical heart is still in its right physical place. however, contrary to my expectations during college, i have seemed to have lost my heart after graduation. Currently, God seemed to have stripped me bare of every plans and aspirations that i have before.
     who am i kidding when i thought that things will eventually come to pass and become easier right after college. WHO AM I KIDDING! the coming to pass is true, but the easier part? ummm is so not true. if you were to think about it, it actually seems easy.. (looking for your place in this world). since i am an electrical engineer, i should probably need to venture into that field. kaya lang, somehow along the way during college (SVCF talaga o), my mindset changed from wanting to have a job and get rich and be known for that profession, to just finding my place in this world where my heart bleeds the most. and believe me, i just know how to handle myself pretty well (modesty aside to). pero i think i am actually having an identity crisis? or heart crisis ba?
     siguro, with my influences na rin.. especially with tatay and other people.. getting rich is actually secondary..not even secondary, it is an icing on the cake. right now, i don't want it to become my driving force in considering and looking for a job. (this is the idealistic me speaking. enjoy it while it lasts) i just want to land a job where i'll be happy, probably despite of a meager allowance, and satisfied and happy again and God's will. i am actually praying for a place in this world where my heart bleeds the most.. yung tipong sa sobrang pagbleed ng heart for that certain specific thing (kahit turnilyo) or place, magiging willing kang iyakan at i-pursue yun araw araw for the rest of your rest-est life. yung tipong sobrang iniiyakan mo sa sobrang kagustuhan mo.
     too ideal noh? pero it is what i want. i have actually considered alot of places where i thought na dun yung leading ng Lord. pero none of it seems to spark up that flame na magpapadugo nga sa puso ko.

if ever someone took my heart and hid it for his own advantage.. hmp! kill!! give it back! hehe kidding pero seriously, i am wanting to find that heart again that triggers a deep sense of longing and desire and passion and an ultimate level of wanting to be with someone or be somewhere or do something and whatever.

i already composed a few words, but decided to delete it kasi i figured out its not worth writing as well as reading. so to update a few things about me today.
i'm frustrated
neither do i know what to do with my life nor what i did to it these past years
argh! that should do it

(takes some effort to hold back..)

ako ngayon ay seriously very tired. after 2 loooong bus rides (to and fro sa cubao), and six train rides (got lost somewhere kaya naging six) at sa napakadaming steps na nilakad. ako ay pagod. pero gusto ko pa rin magsulat para makapagpahinga ng konti.
ilan lamang ang mga ito sa mga napagmunimunihan ko kanina sa bus (habang katabi ang isang gwapong kuya pero uncomfortable kasi nasa aisle seat ako tapos halos kalahati lang ng malaki kong pwet ang nakaupo--oo nakapagreflect pa ako) na mga bagay na narealize kong kailngan gawin or mga bagay na nararamdaman sa aking pagbabalik sa siyudad.

1. kailangan ko nang muli ma-acclimatize sa mabilis na buhay sa syudad. medyo nasanay na ako dito dati nung nasa diliman pa ako e. yung tipong dapat mabilis maglakad tapos hindi mukhang bata, dapat maging palaging alerto at maging mabilis muli sa lahat ng bagay. goodbye na sa tralalalang buhay.. (though am still hoping na okay pa)
2. kailngan ko na ulit masanay magsapatos. this kailangan ng medyo effort. kasi after four and a half years of wearing slippers araw araw umiiyak na ang paa ko kapag nagsasapatos.. mahirap lang kasi kaya sorry kung naka tsinelas lang palagi. i super hate girl shoes. ewan ko ba kung bakit may mga babaeng adik sa madaming sapatos. as for me kailangan ko na magsapatos ulit kung ayaw kong mangolekta ng patay na kuko dapat magsapatos muli.\
3. kailangan kong matutong muling mabuhay magisa. needless to say, syempre aalis na ako sa bahay. kailangan magtipid at magtipid
4. nostalgic ako. oo nostalgic ako kasi naiiyak ako nung muli akong bumalik sa diliman. hehe, maliban sa nagulat ako na wala na yung dating building ng OUR atsaka may bago nang road from EEE to math.. wala lang parang napakasymbolic na kailangan ko ulit bumalik sa aking pinagsimulan. ang pagkakaroon ng deficiencies are not that bad after all.
5. mabilis nga pala ang development sa syudad at may mga bombings na nangyayari. OA lang ito. pero wala na kasi yung paborito kong istasyon ng bus sa ayala sa park square. medyo napagod lang ako kanina kasi akala ko may sakayan pa ng bus pa sta cruz sa park square, e wala na pala.. sumabog nga pala yung part na yun dati ewan lang kung naapektuhan yun. basta mabilis magbago ang mga bagay bagay dun.\

forgiveness gives everyone a way better perspective. whatever is done, is already done. kaya kung nahirapan man dahil sa mga insufficiencies and whatnots na meron sa bulok na sistema na gobyerno, na kahit tipong 4 years back pa ay ngayon lang nadidiscover. chill na lang. forgive. kahit one hundred times nang natarayan, despite of being super extra extra nice and polite and respectful and humble and etc. forgive. it makes one stronger to forgive and endure the sufferings or consequences of someone elses mistake.. it made me stronger.
my college life is definitely not a bed of roses. syempre regarding acads given na na hindi siya bed of roses. simula pa lang pumasok ako sa uplb from up diliman, butas na ng karayom ang dinaanan ko para maayos ang papers. ay kahit ngayong palabas na ako... ganun pa rin. oh wells.
bottom line... will never do whatever bad things they did to me. may pay it forward, pero pay it forward yung mga good things... kung may nagawa man silang bad things.. it should stop with them. kaya forgive na lang. imagine, if everyone in this world would learn how to forgive, the world would definitely be a better place.

(para sa CSng college at OUR ng UPLB)

it actually took me some time to start this entry. kasi neither do i  know how to begin writing about the end nor how to write the start a new beginning. i also do not know how to actually start a new new beginning (if you know what i mean). it seems so easy to say na, okay after you graduate college you have to take the board exam and start working... parang ok.. i'll do that.. i think i'll do that kasi that is expected of me naman talaga pero the big question is HOW IN THE WORLD! i think hindi naituro sa school kung paano ka aalis sa school. mga taong gumawa talga ng educational system, do they really expect for us to stay at school forever?
so i am currently in the "now what" stage of my life. i do not know what to do and where to go.. now that college is sort of officially over, looking back makes me realize that college isn't that hard at all... it just looks hard kasi mahirap yung exams and subjects and teachers and classmates whatever.. pero now i think its harder pala to get out of it that to go through it. kasi they give out everything to you during college, you just have to study. unlike now na i need to get out of college.. i do not know where to go. or what to do..
if asked what i would like to do after college.. i would have to say. gusto kong maglaro ng harvest moon, magbasa ng CS lewis at tolkien books, magluto, maglaro with my dogs, travel to exotic places, magmovie marathon manood ng TV all day. matapos ang episodes ng hunterxhunter, pokemon at jackie chan adventures, gusto ko rin palang maglaro ng pokemon. maginternet buong araw. gusto ko rin magdesign ng bahay for fun... so malaking problema diba? saan papasok dun yung mga pinagaralan ko sa ee? gusto ko rin naman yung pinaguusapan yung tungkol sa mga generator at kung paano nagwowork ang mga dam.. i'm amazed by such things..
kaya lang as much as i am so amazed by alot of things hindi ko pa rin nahahanap kung saan pinakanagbibleed ang puso ko. napagusapan namin ng tatay ko kagabi ang trabaho (i opened the topic). nasabi ko sa kanya muli na gusto ko magwork sa cagayan de oro, pero ayaw niya kasi marami daw muklo dun. at sabi rin niya i should go to places kung saan may madaming oppurtunity sa EE. the thing is parang hindi yata yun ang criteria ko ngayon sa pag koconsider ng trabaho... ang criteria ko ay ang mga sumusunod: where my heart bleeds the most at basta not in metro manila. so ayun. medyo naget over ko naman na yung paranoia of being a graduate stage, naget over ko na yung pagkakaroon ng surreal na feeling na graduate na nga talaga. ako ngayon ay NUMB na.. now what.. :D
siguro for now to make things a little less complicated (i know. i know. again. i tend to over analyze things), iisipin ko na lang na kailangan kong magreview at gusto kong magtop1 sa boards. :D haay. o siya ito na nga ang simula ng pagtatapos ng aking buhay Kolehiyo. lahat ay iniaalay at iaalay sa Panginoong Diyos. :D amen

una sa lahat. maraming salamat sa lahat ng mga supporta at panalanging. katatpos ko lamang mapapirmahan ang aking acceptance sheet, at publishing at konting refinement na lang ang thesis ko. pero okay na siya. isa na lang.. last exam on the last day of finals para i-end at i-conclude ang aking collegiate experience.\
i am feeling surreal. at hindi ko pa mapaniwalaan lahat ng mga nangyayri.. i am constantly poking myself just to check whether i am dreaming or not.. pero it seems that i am awake naman talaga all these times.  madami akong hindi expected na mga pangyayari ilan sa mga ito ang mga sumusunod
una na makakatapos talaga ako ngayon.. i had a lot of doubts promise.. sorry Lord. pero yeah.. i will finish it this sem.
tapos na ako magenroll sa review last wednesday. review classes will start november 9. so soon! hindi ko expected at hindi pa ako prepared. pero i'll be leaving LB in three weeks time.. and i am somehow feeling na mawawala na lang akong parang bula... and no one cares? hehe drama lang pero just have to get this over with. and get on with my life may goodbyes man o wala.
i am looking for a dorm or bedspace or house or wherever i can lay my head sa area na tapat ng UST.. i'll be staying there for six months.. so goodbye LB talaga. akala ko kasi i'll still have time to sort off play and yeah play here in LB.. pero i guess wala na.
i have mixed feelings... i am definitely happy that i'll be graduating soon.. sad that i lost my ID a month before leaving LB looser no?.. and sad that i'll be leaving na (though its not that far.. still its gonna be different).. and sadder that there are no proper goodbyes.. pero nevertheless i know i can sort of handle things with God's grace.. kaya go lang.. :D will be getting on with the next stage of my life now.
salamat sa lahat na naging part ng aking journey. :D

ayan. after a while of not blogging and giving in to the lure of posting status updates on face book rather than writing a proper blog..

• today magblog na ulit ako.
  
• today kailangan ko na magsubmit ng manuscript sa aking tatlong panel at isang adviser. i already printed everything ipapa-photocopy na lang.
  
• today i was able to perform the last (hopefully) experiment for this semester (since i promised my adviser to still help on their project kahit tapos na ako for the next semester-gratis lang).. last experiment that verified our suspicions na magcacancel out nga ang voltages kaya hindi siya valid na modification.
  
• today i am still scared na baka sumabit pa ako sa iba kong mga subjects. kasi hindi ko talaga alam kung baket pero graduating syndrome ata talga ito na hirap na at tamad na kapag last sem kahit last na. except for an extraordinary few syempre
• today i am happy kasi na-affrim sa akin na i made and i can make a lot of good friends sa mga technicians, janitors, tindera, manong at mga manang. big thing for me na makapagreach out to them
• today i'm thinking of what to handa para sa aking defense
• today i've realized that the Lord has been teaching me to trust him more and more..
• today just like the past few days, i have been wondering kung ano ang susunod na trust lesson (na ineexpect ko na matindi) na ibibigay sa akin ng Lord
• today just like the past few days, my heart is bleeding for making this world a better place. not in a beauty pageant sort of way, pero yung tipong doing something in the engineering aspect to help mitigate floods, deisgn houses that are flood and storm resistant etc
• today today, i still don't know what will happen tomorrow. but nevertheless i am thankful really thankful for today 
  

1. SLEEP
2. date people
   
3. SLEEP
4. SLEEP
5. watch TV without feeling guilty
6. SLEEP
7. wake up thinking about happy things and not dream of gruesome equations and formulas
8. SLEEP
9. FB
10. study for exams
11. SLEEP
12. do other school work
13. SLEEP
14. cook
15. sleep

journal entry: September something, 2009
dear Lord,
grabe ka! ang bilis mo naman sumagot sa mga panalangin! kahapon lang naisulat ko na ultimate dream date ko si __________________. tapos ngayon i just had a "date" with him. well not exclusively since we were with person A. hindi kasi dapat kasama si ultimate dream date. supposedly dalawa lang dapat kami ni person A. kaya lang ewan kung paano siya napa-epal sa eksena. pero salamat Lord for once again granting one of my silly wishes. ikaw talaga o. minsan konsintidor ka din. pero ka-stress lang siya kasama, hindi ko masyado masabayan.
 anyway. __________________________. Done sa date check list cross/ ex mark across his name sa crushdidates. certainly not my type pala. gwapo lang at great guy naman yata kung makikilala ko pa better. pero certainly not my type. hehe. Lord, sana kasing bilis din ng sagot mo sa silly wishes ko ang serious wishes.. re: thesis?
      paano na ba ito Lord? Kadami ng Holiday ka-unti pa ng alam ko. hindi ko alam ang gagawin. medyo sorry kasi hindi na gumagana ang utak ko. pero sana along with crammming up my thesis, teach me to love it. kahit for now it seems na wala talga patutunguhan ang future ko doon. Lord, I'm leaving it all in your hands.

(so sa thesis pa rin nag end)

its been a while since i posted something. medyo na-incline ako sa facebook this past few days. pero its good, kasi ksabay ng facebook fever, medyo nawawalan na ng tao dito sa multiply. therefore!!! multiply is a relatively safer place than facebook. considering na walang parents on multiply (haha!!), wala ring EE network dito (na palagi kong binoblog) at walang mga family friends (that knows me more than i know myself). though i posted a link to my multiply site sa aking fb page.. i doubt it naman kung titingnan nila.

am not really in the mood to write (still!) any of my usual stuff. pero siguro for the record, i've realized that ENGINEERING IS REALLY INTERESTING yun lang, i am in the field (electrical) that i am most not interested in.

what a thing to realize when i am already in my extended semester.

i was supposed to study kanina sa library with some friends. yun lang hindi kami sinipot ng ilan naming mga kasama kaya dalawa lang kami ng classmate ko na naiwan dun. hindi naman din kami nakapag review kasi may isang quiz nga at hindi pa kami aral kaya naiwan kaming dalawa lang 'magreview' at magkwentuhan. at sa course ng aming kwentuhan... natanong lang niya bigla. paano kung ligawan ka ni ... (alam kong joke ito on his part, pero on my part i felt a bit awkward na tiannong niya sa akin ito considering na hindi pa kami close, so here's what i did or do instead to get out of that situation)

1. totoo ko tong ginawa yung number one.. tinawanan ko lang siya tapos sabi ko. ay 5 minutes na lang pala class na.. hehe (at si kuya na distract naman kaagad at ako ay nakaalpas)
2. gamitin ang ibang friends to change topic. example: uy grabe ka, hindi bha mas bagay sila ni (insert friend's name here)
3. pretend that you didn't hear anything (this is applicable to selected situations lang)
4. biglang hampasin ng malakas yuhng lamesa sa harap niya. PLAK! (syempre gulat siya) ay may lamok sorry. (tapos promise malilimutan na niya yung sinabi niya)
5. eto classic. check the phone. kunyari may nagtext tapos pagkatapos sabihin mo.. ano nga yung pinaguusapan natin ulit?

dear eena,
itigil mo na ang mga bagay na hindi makakatulong sa iyong pag-graduate. though napakasarap magbasa ng libro.. siguro bawasan mo muna ang leisure reading at simulan nang magbasa ng mga text books.. simulan mo nang basahin yung manual ng power analyzer nagagamitin mo sa thesis mo. bawasan mo na rin ang pagiging excited manood ng tv araw araw dahil sa hole in the wall. kasi sobrang nasustuck ka na in front of it the whole night. likewise though nanjan na.. alam mo na kasi na adik ka sa pokemon eh nagpakopya ka pa.. siguro ischedule mo na lang yung mga oras kung saan ka pwede maglaro at dapat magthesis o magsolve ng problems... haay.. huling hirit. yung pagbaabasa ng libro pwede pa rin naman siguro pero tuwing gabi na lang after mong magbasa ng mga stuff na helpful sa iyong graduation... pwede ka pa rin makipagdate. pero after dates dapat relihiyosa mo nang gagawin ang iyong mga pagaaral...
-eena

isang maaraw at mainit na pagbati sa inyong lahat.

tag-araw na naman at panahon na naman po ng mga summer camps. ilan sa mga camps na dadaluhan ng mga undergraduates ng State Varsity Christian Fellowship ay ang Kawayan Camp sa Negros occidental, at Echo camp na gaganapin naman sa talipanan, mindoro. uunahin ko na pong magpasalamat sa lahat ng inyong mga supporta na lubos na nakakatulong upang kami ay makadalo sa ganitong mga gawain. ang mga camp na ito ay tunay na malalking tulong upang ma-hubog ang aming mga identidad kay Hesu Kristo. Maraming salamat sa mga panalangin, encouragements, tulong pinansyal at iba pa.
at dahil dito, ipinakikilala ko po sa inyo ang mga campers at counselors sa nasabing mga camp. nakaattach po ang kanilang mga litrato sa ilalim, kung maari ay tingnan niyo na lang mamaya para mausisa ang kanilang mga itsura. 

KAWAYAN CAMP
Camp Humayan, Brgy. Busay, Bago City, Negros Occidental
April 10- May 8, 2009

Campers
1. Name: John Philip Bayani
    Course: BS AgriBusiness Management
    Year: Senior
    Ministry Invovlement: Executive Committee (Business Manager), Training Leadership and Development Committee, Cell Group Leader
    contact number: 09287438265
2. Lorizza Soriano
    Course: BS Human Ecology
    Year: Senior
    Ministry Involvement: Cell group Leader, Cell group committee
    contact number: 09272541032
3. Eusebeia Joy Mendoza
    Course: BS Human Ecology
    Year: Junior
    Ministry Involvement: Membership Committee, incoming executive committee (secretary)
    contact number: 09162324429

Echo Camp
Talipanan, Puerto Galera, Mindoro
April 7-11, 2009

Counselors
1.Name: Irish Joy Mendoza
   Course: BS AgriBusiness Management
   Year: Graduating
   Ministry Invovlement: outgoing Executive Committee (Treasurer), Cell Group Leader, Praise and Worship
   contact number: 09052524595

2. Name: Omar David Ofracio
    Course: BS Applied Mathematics, major in Actuarial Sciences
    Year: Graduating, CUM LAUDE
    Ministry Invovlement: outgoing Executive Committee (President), Cell Group Leader
    contact number: 09266797410

3. Name: Deneb Arriesgado
    Course: BS Agriculture, major in Animal Nutrition
    Year: Graduating
    Ministry Invovlement: ISCF, Cell Group Leader
    contact number: 09157860652

4. Name: Jesus K. Araneta
    Course: BS Agricultural Engineering
    Year: Junior
    Ministry Invovlement: Training Leadership and Development Committee
   
5. Name: Edward Paglinawan
    Course: BS Nutrition
    Year: Senior
    Ministry Invovlement: Executive Committee (Internal Vice President), Evangelism Committee, Cell Group Leader

Campers

1. Name: Pristine Dadivas
    Course: BS Biology major in wildlife
    Year: Senior
    Ministry Invovlement: Cell Group Member

2. Name: Eunice Charrise Mendoza
    Course: BS Development Communication major in Science communication   
    Year: Senior
    Ministry Invovlement: ISCF, Cell Group Member

3. Name: Athena P. Lavega
    Course: BS Electrical Engineering major in Power   
    Year: Senior
    Ministry Invovlement: outgoing Executive Committee (external vice president), Prayer committee, Publicity Committee, Cell group leader

4. Name: Miguel Magdangal Balauitan III
    Course: BS Statistics   
    Year: Senior
    Ministry Invovlement: incoming Executive Committee (external vice president), cell group leader

5. Name: Hannah Canubas
    Course: BS Statistics
    Year: Junior
    Ministry Invovlement: Membership Committee, Cell Group Member
 
6. Name: natalianne marie de los reyes
    Course: BS Agribusiness Management
    Year: Sophomore
    Ministry Invovlement: Cell Group Member

Salamat po ng marami for all the support. please continue to pray for us as we participate in these camps.
pray that:

•  the camps will be a rich avenue for encountering God
• safety for the campers as they travel to the respective campsites and safety during the duration of the events
• preparedness of hearts and minds to hear God's voice and experience Him during the camps
• everyone will be able to complete his/her financial liabilities for the  camps
  

• URGENT: New SV Home. preferably cheap, walking distance from the campus, accesible to computer shops and stores, malayo sa kapitbahay
• leading and guidance as the fellowship continues to press-on without an SV home this summer
• wisdom and discernment for the new executive committee

i have been longing to do this post for quite some time now. UPLB kapatiran, ito yung naging whirlwind romance ko for the past year. hindi ko maimagine kung paano ako ulit napasok dito at hindi ko rin maimagine kung paano ako nakalabas. it is truly the grace of God kung paano ako nakatapos dito. grace ng Lord na hindi ako nagkasakit (ito lang yung year ko sa college na wala akong malalang illness), at naipasa ko ang lahat ng subjects ko.
hindi pa ako ganun ka composed, medyo sabog pa rin ako para gawin ang post na ito. sabi ko nga sa mga friends ko, hindi pa ako nakakapgprocess ng mabuti. nandito pa ako sa "numb stage" yung panahon kung kelan wala kang maramdaman. or you just choose to ignore what you are feeling. sabi ko nga whirlwind romance. biglaang naging kayo tapos isang magulo at makabuluhang stuff in between na biglaang natapos.
hindi naman kasi dapat ako yung kapatiran representative ng SVCF [resentment sa boses. haha!], business manager dapat ako. pero looking back now, summer pa lang ay kunukulit na ako ng Lord to do it. hindi ko lang talga pinansin kasi nga stubborn at  stubborn lang talga. at ayun nga, nagkagulo sa loob ng SV (whirlwind! whirlwind!), at dahil wala nang gustong tumayo at hindi na rin macontain ng puso ko ang mga bagay bagay.. tumayo ako.
hindi ko alam kung paano nangyari ang mga bagay bagay in between. basta ang alam ko lang, OLATS talaga ako, at kung wala ang kamay ng Lord sa lahat ng mga bagay ewan ko na lang. i feel sobrang guilty and shame-striken pa nga everytime people affirm me, sabi nga nung isang ka-text ko "i'm proud of you". sabi ko thank you. pero i really don't see anyhting to be proud of. kasi nga OLATS sng feeling ko. then again feelings are not important. Si Lord lang, at wala nang iba ang dapat papurihan salahat ng ito.
dahil sa uplb kapatiran natututo akong mawalan ng gana sa pagkain. believe me, hindi ako ever nawawalan ng gana maliban na lang kung may sakit ako. pero dahil siguro sa tension or sabi ng mga bio friends ko its the gas build-up na meron sa esophagus. mejo nabawasan din ako ng timbang (yes!). pero looking back now, its happy stress naman. syempre dahil din sa Uplb kapatiran, i've gained so many new friends and acquaintances. madami na ngayong kahi hello sa campus, lumawak talaga ang network...
madaming binago at pinolish at pinakitang dapat pang ipolish ang Lord. siguro biggest virtues na tinuro sa akin through this journey ay patience. patience patience patience at humility. if you have worked with me before uplb kapatiran, i think you would like me less, kasi isa akong naglalakd na impatient. detalyado at gusto na ora mismo ay magagawa agad. at dapat maganda ang output. maganda yung ganun kaya lang, hindi mo naman talga mapipilit ang mga tao to be always at par with your standards. kaya adjust at magpasensya. at mas mabait na din daw ako ngayon sabi ni alvin. humility, kasi olats nga ako diba tapos binigyan pa ako ng Lord ng ganitong privilege.
after uplb kapatiran..

• i gained more friends
• i had the time to play with my dogs, give them a bath, and baby them ulit
• nakapagbasa na ulit ako ng books
• i learned alot
• nahumble down ako

is mediocrity a sin? i think it is noh? therefore, from the results of my grades this semester... i have been sinning the whole time pala. sad to say, i have been very mediocre this semester.

my sem is officially over. just now, i have passed my last requirement- an 150++ paged manuscript of electrical systems design and 3 20'x30' elctrical layouts of a medical center. after several days of catching up on my dating and reading it is just now that i was able to visit my beloved department where most of my beloved grades are posted also.

from my academic performance this semester, i am quite expecting that the results are just so-so. kaya lang, the feeling is really different once you see the results. i am disappointed. with 2 as the highest grade?

--regrets--

its all my left with now. i know i could've pushed myself further, and i could've fought the feeling of laziness and lethargy. i shouldn't have done this or i shouldn't have done that. i shouldn't have accepted the position? maybe? its too late now. and this is so useless. all i am left with is sour graping. not helping.

i should be grateful for the grace that saw me thorugh this semester. but lookie now. what am i doing?

--numb--

routines. daily, weekly, monthly routines. i am too tired now. i can't feel once again. its as if every word that comes out of my mouth mean nothing, words that are no more than a blabber of useless thoughts. words that should mean something and should be addressed to someone more than worth addressing. but what now?

numb. prick me. prick me. i can't feel a thing. i have been too uptight and too on-guard with my heart that now i can't feel a thing. i am a walking zombie.

a mediocre zombie. i hate me this way.

o ayan. kasi naman tinapon mo yung take home exam sa fpps. yan tuloy magfafinals ka. yabang kasi. purkit hindi ka nachachallenge dun sa subject, hindi mo na inaral at binigyan ng pansin yung take home exam. pambihira at take home exam na lang naman yun.
pero part of you naman ay gusto rin magfinals. para naman may magawa na mukhan productive. corny naman kasi, open notes yung final exam tapos plug in computations lang yung mga solutions. o ayan ang yabang mo na naman. ito ba talaga ang nagagawa ng boredom? grr! pero its actually ok with me na mejo magfafinals ako. may proper excuse na magfinls na ang reason ay hindi mag pataas lang. hehe labo ko at yabang ko. :D

--- Forwarded Message ----
From: Elmer Bernardo <elmer_b@yahoo. com>
To: svcf_uplb@yahoogrou ps.com; svcf alumni <svcfaa@yahoogroups. com>; sagwan@yahoogroups. com
Sent: Saturday, March 21, 2009 22:46:32
Subject: [svcfaa] for IVCF, please pass